Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Can you feel the Force?

From Marilee Welch...

Ah, Q-Ray and Bio-Ray: two bits of overpriced tat with no perceivable medical benefits whatsoever, other than to improve the wearer's life by the power of positive thinking. The thought in question being "I'm positive I paid too much for this shit and I'll never fall for such a cruddy scam again".

It's worth checking out the Bio-Ray website, which ought to firmly convince you of the efficacy of their products. Would you entrust your well-being to someone who writes sentences like this?

"In 1975 Ignacio S. Alvarez, the dinamic mallorquin[1], today President of the Company, added his effort to the investigations carried out by this Chiropractor and made the first actions of promotion and development of the product, combining his normal activities with the dedication and the effort that, to start this revolutionary product for the public meant."

Savour that once more in all its glory: "the dedication and the effort that, to start this revolutionary product for the public meant."

That's what you get for hiring Yoda to do your copy-editing.


[1] What the buggering fuck is a "dinamic mallorquin", do you suppose? I can see it now: Issue #297 - Wolverine vs. The Dinamic Mallorquin. It'd sell like hot cakes.

Marilee, if you're out there and reading this... you didn't, as such, in so many words, actually attach the picture to your first submission and - having chased up the subject you mentioned - I'd very much like to see it!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I hosted u a website, but I eated it

It has been a while, hasn't it? Never mind; I've finally got around to sorting out my access-from-work issues and as a special treat it's fairytale time here on LOLQuacks...

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin!

Once upon a time there was an evil, mad wizard. He was a very naughty, very silly man who couldn't do any magic at all really, but called himself important-sounding things so that people would take him seriously. His name was Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi.

Many of the people in the kingdom where Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi lived liked to look things up using a giant magic book made of words, pictures and music. And so, because he wanted very much to be important, Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi used to spend a lot of time writing good things about himself in the magic book. He did this so that nobody would realise how very bad he'd been, and so they would believe that he could really do magic.

He would even pretend to be other people writing things about himself! What a foolish chap!

But one day, when Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi was reading the magic book and making things up as usual, he saw a special page all about him that told everybody just what a bad person he was. Worse still, it seemed that lots of people were reading it and laughing at him!

The page was written by a little black duck, a clever fellow who worked very hard so that people wouldn't be fooled by nasty scoundrels like Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi. All sorts of folks came to read what the duck had to say, and everybody was ever so grateful to him for telling the truth (apart from the ones who were foolish or bad and wanted people to believe the lies they wrote in the magic book).

Nearly everyone loved the little black duck, but not Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi. He was very cross and he wanted nothing more than to get rid of the little black duck's pages about him.

Now, the magic book was so big and complicated that each page had to be kept in a special box so that people could find it and read it when they wanted to. It was the job of the box's owner to open it up and let anyone read it whenever it was needed.

Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi thought to himself "I can't scare the little black duck; he's too brave and clever for me. But the special box that his page is in is kept by some cowardly little pigs and I am sure I can frighten them!"

Chuckling to himself in an evil way, Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi made a plan. He went to his work-room and made a HUGE and scary sock-puppet from a jar labelled "sound and fury" that he kept for just such an occasion. His puppet was so scary that it even frightened him!
And so, Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi took his scary sock-puppet and went to see the cowardly pigs who owned the box that the little black duck's magic page was kept in...

He held his sock-puppet up to their window so they wouldn't realise it was just him all along, and he shouted to them in the scariest voice he could muster. "RIP OUT THAT PAGE!" bellowed Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi, "OR I SHALL HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW DOWN YOUR HOUSE!"

Well, the cowardly pigs who owned the special box took one look at the sock-puppet and fell down in a swoon, they were so frightened! "Please don't hurt us!" they squealed, "We don 't want to be eaten up by the big bad monster!"

The cowardly pigs ripped out the page written by the little black duck... and can you believe it? They were so frightened that they ripped out all of the pages that the duck had written!

When the little black duck came along, wanting to write some more things on his pages that he thought people ought to know, he found that they weren't there any more. The cowardly pigs sat on the lid of the special box and wouldn't open it for him. "We don't want to be eaten by a scary monster," they said to the duck, "he's all big and frightening."

"But there is no monster," said the little black duck, his feathers drooping, "that was just Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi, who is a very bad man, and a sock-puppet he made out of sound and fury to frighten you!"

"We don't care," said the little pigs, who really were very cowardly indeed, "We just want you to go away so we don't get frightened any more."

Poor little black duck!

"Whatever will I do?" thought the duck to himself. "I've worked so very hard to tell people things on my magic pages, and now there is no special box for my pages to be in!"

He was a very sad duck indeed. He sat down upon a rock next to the road, looking glum.

Just then, his friend the Giraffe came by. "Hullo, little black duck!" boomed the giraffe in his friendly voice, "Why are you looking so sad?"

"The cowardly pigs who owned the box where my pages were kept have ripped them all out of the magic book," quacked the duck miserably, "and now nobody can read all my hard work."

"Oh no," said the Giraffe, "that will never do." The Giraffe thought for a minute. "I've got it!" he said, "You can put your pages in MY special box, and I'll let everyone come and read them there!"

"Really?" said the little black duck, sounding excited, "Can I?"

"Yes, of course you can." said the Giraffe.

"But won't you be frightened of Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi and his scary sock-puppet?" asked the duck.

"No!" laughed the Giraffe "I am not a cowardly pig and I'm certainly not frightened of sock-puppets!"

And so, the little black duck put his magic pages onto the Giraffe's special box, and everyone lived happily ever after... except for Dr. Professor Joseph Chikelue Obi!